Date:	2011-07-26 23:14
Subject:	appealing only because it's just that unappealing.
Security:	Public
Mood:	disillusioned
Music:	Panic at the Disco - Build God, Then We'll Talk

i think yesterday i experienced something that is usually referred to as "love at first sight". although i'm not sure whether it was love at first sight or anything. maybe it was lust at first sight. maybe it was even fear at first sight. lust and fear are pretty close to one another, whereas love and fear are not.

he was selling b&w prints on the street and talking amicably to everyone. my friend wanted to take a look and he started to talk to her very amicably. i felt that he was very attracted to my friend and openly complimenting her and touching us both in a borderline-friendly way (my friend more than me, she is very polite and all - on top of that she has 0 interest in men xD) and i felt this weird sensation. i was scared, because it was terrifyingly reminiscent that had happened before. older man being nice to young girls. my body tensed up all over and i tried to get away but the more i stayed in his vicinity, the more attracted i got.

after my friend left i was so confused. i couldn't stop thinking about him. i wandered around. i wanted to see him again, to see if he'd take notice of me. i went back to where he had been sitting and organizing the prints. all the prints were gone. but he was there, all alone, looking down. perhaps looking at his phone, perhaps counting money. i quickly looked away before he could see me. i walked on.

all i've got left of this is terrible anxiety, and the sorrow of knowing that i will never see him again, i will never experience being around him again. i will never see those eyes, i will never see that smile again.

mio bello bello amore, sei il mio paradiso
when you say i'm yours, when you ask me to stay
siamo soli, soli al mondo...

but it has just begun to dawn on me that worst of all is the sorrow of knowing that he only wanted the shells, not what was inside.....

oh wonderful caricature of intimacy!

Date:	2008-03-13 17:59
Subject:	survey
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	venetian snares in my head

i n f o r m a t i o n
01. name: lyra
02. single or taken: happily taken!
03. sex: uhh may i give it some thought?
04. b'day: 06/23
05. sign: i'm a first decan cancer. moon in libra, rising gemini.
06. siblings: i have an older sister.
07. hair colour: now it's green, medium blonde and brown and black.
08. eye colour: brown
09. shoe size: eight and a half.
10. height: 5 point 2 ish

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
01. who are your best friends? him, my doggie, and riku.
02. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yes.
03. did you send this to your crush? my god no.
04. did your crush send this to you? no. :o

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
01. where is your favorite place to shop? online.
02. any tattoos or piercings? no, but i wouldn't mind.

s p e c i f i c s
01. do you do drugs? i experiment.
02. what kind of shampoo do you use? the kind that keeps my hair soft for a few days.
03. what are you most scared of? people
04. what are you listening to right now? lyra's brain radio!
05. who is the last person that called you? riku
06. where do you want to get married? i don't really care
07. how many buddies are online right now? no idea.. i'm too lazy to check out. XD hehe. pizz off.
08. what would you change about yourself? i'd lose 35 pounds. then i'd be perfect.

f a v o u r i t e s
01. colour: black, blood red, bright green, orange, some shades of brown.
02. food: humm i donno.
03. boys' names: fxck you
04. girls' names: kaitlyn cordelia. that's the name of my unborn daughter.
05. subjects in school: academic writing
06. animals: horses and dogs.
07. sports: contemporary dance! haha.

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
01. given anyone a bath? my dog.
02. smoked? yes.
03. bungee jumped? no
04. made yourself throw up? yes
05. skinny dipped? yes
06: ever been in love? i am right now..
07. made yourself cry to get out of trouble? as far as i know, no.
08. pictured your crush naked? omg, i just did!
09. actually seen your crush naked? tehe yes <3
10. cried when someone died? yes.. my dog.. :/
11. lied: yes.
12. fallen for your best friend? yes.. when she still was my best friend.
13. been rejected? not really.
14. rejected someone? not really.. i've ignored someone though, hoping they would get the message.
15. used someone? umm.. no. once i kinda tried to, but didn't succeed. XD it was nothing serious.
16. done something you regret? argh too many to mention...

c u r r e n t
clothes: suspicious question.
music: "gatekeeper" by feist inside the head.
make-up: omg my fave! foundation, powder, eyeshadow in star-studded black (max factor), lipstick in vivacious (max factor lipfinity) and blush in baby kiss (rimmel).
annoyance: school, i hate it :(
smell: uhh.. nothin?
favourite artist: salvador dalí
favourite group: pearl jam
desktop picture: green fields.. haven't bothered to change it, hehe.
book you're reading: none.
cd in player: some mp3 cd from june 2005
dvd in player: christ i don't watch my dvds.
colour of toenails: nothing

l a s t | p e r s o n
you touched: doggie
hugged: my dog.
you imed: the love of my life or something
you yelled at: dog
you kissed: him

a r e | y o u
understanding: yes.
open-minded: yes..
arrogant: hopefully not.
insecure: yes.
interesting: maybe to some people.
random: yeah, at times.
hungry: not now.
smart: well.. i've heard my IQ is higher than average, but i think it's just my memory.. i don't see myself as particularly smart.
moody: sometimes.
hardworking: when things are good, yes.
organized: to an extent.
healthy: i am mentally unstable and in a horrible physical condition.. therefore, no.
shy: yes.
difficult: hmm.. yes.
attractive: maybe to some, but not in my opinion.
bored easily: sometimes.
messy: yes. sort of.
responsible: i don't know anymore..
obsessed: about some things.
angry: not now.
sad: no. i'm alright.
happy: pretty close :-)
trusting: yes.
talkative: with my friends.
legal: haha.. yes, unless it's against my will.

w h o | d o | y o u | w a n n a
kill: nobody really.
slap: my dog XD
get really wasted with: i don't get wasted.
get high with: the whole wooorld!
look like: yeah, i wanna weigh 95 lbs.
talk to offline: sigh..
talk to online: sigh.. or tom.

r a n d o m
in the morning i am: tired.
all i need is: time to do things in my own pace.
love is: something everyone should have in their lives, whether platonic or romantic.
i dream about: getting away from here.

w h i c h | i s | b e t t e r
coke or pepsi: neither.
flowers or candy: candy!
tall or short: somewhere in the middle..

o p p o s i t e | s e x
what do you notice first: their face.
last person you slow danced with: i don't slow dance.
worst question to ask: something like.. what are you wearing..
who makes you laugh the most: my friends.
who makes you smile: my friends.
who gives you a funny feeling when you see them: heh.
who do you have a crush on: this guy.. :-)
who has a crush on you: well they better have one back or else..

d o | y o u | e v e r
sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone to IM you: i have done that, but not anymore.
save conversations: sometimes.
wish you were a member of the opposite sex: when pmsing. and sometimes.
wish you were younger: no.
cry because someone said something to you: yes.

n u m b e r
of times i have had my heart broken: i lost count, and stopped caring.
of hearts i have broken: hopefully none..
of guys i've kissed: a fair few..
of girls i've kissed: 2
of continents i have lived in: 1
of tight friends: like 2..
of cds i own: x
of scars on my body: quite a few
of things that i regret: 100

y o u r | t h o u g h t s
i know: nothing.
i want: to be with the one i love.
i have: peace of mind for now.
i wish: this didn't take so long.
i hate: some people.
i fear: people.
i hear: the noise inside my head.
i search: for truth.
i wonder: if things would have been different if i didn't have this illness.
i regret: nothing really.
i love: people who are close to me.

f i n a l | q u e s t i o n s
01. do you like filling these out: sometimes.
02. how many people are you sending this to: 0
03. who will send it back: 0
04. least likely to send it back: -
05. gold or silver: silver.
06. what was the last film you saw at the movies: i am legend.
07. favourite cartoon/anime: trigun
08. what did you have for breakfast this morning: toast.
09. who would you love being locked in a room with: him, or tom, or riku. or my dog.
10. could you live without your computer: i'd probably have separation anxiety for a few days.
11. would you colour your hair: yes. i've done it at least 10 times now.
12. could you ever get off the computer: yes.
13. habla espanol: non.. je parle un peu francais..
14. how many people are on your buddy list: 19
15. drink alcohol: no, i stopped.
16. like watching sunrises or sunsets: yes, i love them both.
17. what hurts the most: losing someone you really care about.

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie!

Opening credits: The Misfits - Devilock

Waking up: Animal Alpha - My Droogies

First day at school: VNV Nation - Frika

Falling in love: Darude - Out of Control

Fight Song: Disco Ensemble - Drop Dead, Casanova

Breaking up: Le Tigre - Deceptacon

Formal dance: The Locust - Practiced Hatred (rofl)

Life’s okay: Sufjan Stevens - Sleeping Bear, Sault Saint Marie

Mental Breakdown: Jean Michel Jarre - Chronology 6

Driving: Funker Vogt - Time of Dreams

Flashback: Bright Eyes - Waste of Paint

Getting back together: The Magnetic Fields - The Book of Love

Wedding: Britney Spears - Sometimes XD

Birth of a Child: Nine Inch Nails - The Mark Has Been Made

Final Battle: Oasis - Don't Go Away

Death Scene: ATC - My Heart Beats Like a Drum (teh fux0r)

Funeral Song: Louis Armstrong - Jeepers Creepers

End Credits: Britney Spears - I Will Be There

Date:	2007-01-13 21:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	the misfits - some kinda hate

ahhaahha yesterday my friend came over and we got drunk :-D
we were surfing online buying stuff all night. i was just hypomanic
so i never mind if i spend like.. $400 a day. which i have
just spent. omg.

i don't even remember everything i've ordered.

just now i bought mary janes and pinstripe pants. i need
new pants with my.. something. oooh. my corset! it's
a vinyl corset, it's very pretty. but it was really expensive.
hope it's worth it.

i have a desperate crush on my driving instructor.
he's probably with someone. :-/ and i've been trying to
seduce him all these weeks. at first i didn't like him.
i thought he was gay and that his jokes were corny.
but somehow.. somehow i started liking him.

and now i'm knee-deep in this shit because i think of him all the time.

alright.

i just found out that i share my birthday with the following people:

Valery Meladze (Russian singer of Georgian descent)
Glenn Danzig :-)
Jason Mraz
KT Tunstall
Selma Blair

heee hee hee. :-)

Date:	2006-12-30 16:10
Subject:	Weatherpixie
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	Culture Beat - Inside out

Here's the weatherpixie for my location (Helsinki, Finland):



Mila's location (St. Petersburg, Russia):



Mom's location (NYC, USA):



It was fun while it lasted. XD Ahh. I love Weatherpixie.

Date:	2006-12-30 01:33
Subject:	Mila
Security:	Public
Mood:	in love
Music:	Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man

"I could feel it from the start,
Couldn't stand to be apart.
Something 'bout you caught my eye,
Something moved me deep inside!
I don't know what you did girl but you had it
And i've been hooked ever since."

Mila has captured my heart, and I can't stop thinking about her. I've told my friends and my parents about her, and I'm persuading my mother into adopting her. >:-D

There are two other dogs that I'm willing to adopt instead of her, but she is my main focus. I know she's the one I've been looking for the past two months.

I'm anxiously waiting for my mom's reply. All the way from New York. XD My dad promised to call her on Sunday and ask her about Mila. OMG.

I will explode by Sunday. She makes me so happy. Mila, that is. She is perfect! I don't know how someone could have abandoned a dog like her! Damn them Russians. Well, the dog-abandoning ones. I'm infatuated with Russian culture & language. I love going to Russian classes, though I sometimes skip. It's just that they're so damn early and I'm not very much of an early bird.

Here are some pictures of Mila: http://www.viipurinkoirat.fi/Tytot/mila.html

Viipurinkoirat.fi is the website of the organisation that looks for homes for abandoned and homeless dogs in Russia. They cost about $130 and have a passport and have been vaccinated and have gone through a shallow veterinary examination when they arrive to Finland. I can't wait to go to meet her for the first time. I will shower her with hugs and kisses.

God, she is so beautiful. Surely someone must have loved her, but ended up in a difficult situation which lead her guardian to leaving her to a pond that doesn't give dogs the treatment they deserve. I heard the Kirillov pond (where Mila comes from) is a horrible place, where the dogs live in boxes, see no sunlight but rain does fall on them, and the strongest dogs get the food. In the boxes live dogs from all walks of life, and surely they fight.

Mila, I already love you more than any other dog in this world. Hopefully I can take care of you, I promise I will do so every day, for the rest of your life. We will be pretty much inseparable! :-D I dare to claim I am even more excited than a pregnant mother is a month before giving birth.

Thank god I will not have to go through that. Giving birth, that is. :-x Eugh. I watched this documentary on pregnancy yesterday. It was interesting, but I wouldn't want to do that myself. I do understand why women want children and why they say pregnancy feels sort of magical, surely it does, but I don't want children at all. I do not have the patience and I could never see myself as a mother figure to somebody.

I do love taking care of my animals, but yeah. I'll take care of my friends, too, but to be honest, it's more of a duty. I genuinely enjoyed taking care of my dog, I enjoyed every minute of brushing him, every walk I took, every day I fussed over him when he was sick. I loved to take his head in my hands, look into his eyes and tell him everything was going to be alright and I loved to hug him and kiss him goodnight every night before going to bed. He was my baby XD And dogs are the only kind of babies I'll ever have.. Hopefully.

Well.. This has turned into a long arse ramble. I'll be seein' you later.

Date:	2006-12-20 23:32
Subject:	oh dear
Security:	Public
Mood:	aiee
Music:	jamie o'neal - when i think about angels

"when i think about rain
i think about singing
when i think about singing
it's a heavenly tune
when i think about heaven
i think about angels
when i think about angels
i think about you"

i think about being bipolar,
about the next driving lesson,
about the next skirt i'll buy in a hypomania,
about the things i need to buy tomorrow,
about the things i can do tomorrow,
about the things i should do but don't do.

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #21 - Tuesday evening

Driving, driving, smoking with my teacher, dad being drunk again, getting a dog or a cat? Whatever. Weird day.

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #19 - Saturday night

Drinking, mixing meds with alcohol, mixing stuff (?) with juice, being in a sort of fugue state, getting a cat!!!!!

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #18 - Wednesday night

Depressed, smoking in my room, yadda yadda.

Date:	2006-12-11 23:37
Subject:	cold winds bring starry skies
Security:	Public
Mood:	i'd rather be 6 feet under
Music:	over the rhine - sleep baby jane

"if you think i'm jane
let me call you an angel"

i let the water run over me and kept wishing everything around me would disappear.

i laid in bed and my dad asked me if i had read russian, then he asked me why i was depressed, then he told me to get some sleep.

then 10 minutes later he came back saying we can get a new dog at any time i want if it would cheer me up.

i smiled but i feel like crying and for no apparent reason.

everything just came crashing down.

sigh... things were so fine last week..

Date:	2006-12-10 17:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed
Music:	yo la tengo - oklahoma, u.s.a.

my mom just called me.
i miss her so much. :-/

Date:	2006-12-10 01:29
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	antares - ride on a meteorite

finnish spitzes are pretty cool.
my dad likes beagles and spitzes.
he thinks poodles are weird.
or poodle-like dogs.
and chihuahuas.

he said he wants a small dog,
but he thinks all small dogs look weird.

just gimme a great dane and everyone will be happy.

(including dad)

we're all frickin mental in this family. he said so himself. XD

but eye.. eye don't believe all of it. ( i can be cured )

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #17 - Saturday afternoon

My first week of December was quite eventful: ordering craploads of stuff online, stopped taking meds, started taking meds, driving teacher turning out to be a creep, people seeing me smoking, driving! And mom going to New York and planning to get a small dog. Woot! :-D

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #16 - Sunday afternoon

Driving in the middle of the night, dehydration, getting a new dog, more obsessing over Great Danes and making a conclusion of the past week (!) :-)

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #14 - Friday night

I'm at my friend's house, drunk. We're having fun. :-D

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #13 - Thursday afternoon

Friends not talking, friends talking, money going to waste, obsessing over Great Danes, watching TV excessively, no school!

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #12 - Wednesday night

An entry on eating and driving lessons.. And everything else that my life consists of. XD (I watched Grey's Anatomy for the first time!)

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #9 - Sunday afternoon

HOME SWEET HOME

Gabcast! mimi's neurosis #8 - Saturday night

A horrible night. I'm trying to sleep.